Other side of the coin

 Now my mom was the other side of the coin.  She maxed out her positive quota daily.  Her goodwill and pleasant attitude never failed to ripple out.  She would be the one throwing the starfish back out to sea...saving them one at a time.  Mom thought that even though we had hard times some one else was suffering more, and we should be comforted by that. Well, sometimes I wanted my pity party to last more that 'a minute', and I resisted her 'cheering up'.  "Feel what you feel" is my motto as long as you do not let it rule your days for too long.
 My mom and I grew up together.  She was my best friend until she reached her 70's.  Her smoking habit finally put a choke hold on her health.  She fought hard and outlasted her whole family of 4 brothers and two sisters.
 We used to talk about everything, and she seemed enthusiastic about all my sharings whether they be trivial or tremendous.
 In her last year or so, I became disheartened by her forgetfulness and felt less like her friend and more like her caregiver.  Also I was disappointed in myself for feeling resentment toward the one person who had been my biggest fan and a calming counselor. 
 During most of her existence she felt that God blessed her and in turn she blessed every one else.  I deeply regret that I could not offer the comfort and companionship that she needed in her last 4 years.
 Since I  am living in my mom's house while we try to sell it, I am finding a little peace as I walk around in her home.  You see Mom is not really gone because she left her legacy of love and learning growing inside her family and all the friends she met along the way. It is so good to know that not only do I have God watching out for me and mine, but also Mom is our Heavenly guardian, too. How am I doing, Mom?

freshest happening

 I will start with my freshest happening and report it as I feel and see it. Mostly I see this as therapy.   Since I am a skinflint, I can not see paying someone to hear and analyze my thoughts when I can talk to myself for free.  Do you hear me now?
 Last weekend I had to keep my dad....sorry to say but he has to be 'watched' now when he is not in Adult Daycare.  Thank God for who ever came up with that concept.  Note to self:  Guard your memories, Exercise your brain ( hoping blogging counts) and Stay focused on your family and friends who want you engaged in life as long as you draw breath.
 Okay back to my dad.  He gave up smoking to save his lungs and somehow saw chewing tobacca as the healthier choice.  But now he keeps his teeth in a glass unless he wants to eat, and his constant companion is a spit can. 
 Not that he talks much anymore and remembers even less, but when I chose to sit with him and try to have a conversation, the routine was -- speak-spit--speak-spit and forget about looking at him while we talked. YUCK!
 I know this sounds critical but it is reality, and it saddens me.  I just got to know and enjoy my dad several years ago when he moved to the country and was surrounded by the familiarity of his youth.  He found his peace and consequently he was able to release some of his love that was locked inside.  It is a shame that my relationship is now reduced to fixing his coffee and reminding him where he is.  Old age is cruel sometimes!!!
 If you read and relate -- good for us-- because I know there are more folks out there that feel emotions but contain them for fear of inflicting or enduring pain.  But I am finding the other side of that is that as pain is released there is more space to be filled with joy, contentment, and love.
  Sometimes I want to scream at my dad, " Say NO to existing and YES to living.  Just make a choice --mustard or ketchup. But don't say it doesn't matter".  My dad is too deep in the fog now, but I hope to save myself!!!
 Even when we are too old for our parents to advise us, we can get hints of how to proceed and even find pitfalls to avoid.  Sit quietly and watch how they deal with the obstacles and blessings of their 'maturing' years. Take the good and sift out the bad.   Let's use that wisdom to improve our chances of having a glorious ending to our story.

Growing up

 When you were growing up did you get ideas in your head and make plans for this grand future that you were going to have when you got a little older and hopefully a lot wiser?
 Well, my ideas were not so grand, just basic.  I wanted to be the best wife and mom, and even Ann Landers was gonna be writing me for advice. HA!
 This blog is about the twists and turns of my life as I retrieve them from the maze that I call my mind.
 If anyone stumbles upon this blog and stays long enough to read past the 1st attempts, I hope you see a little of yourself and feel relieved not to be the only one with these thoughts.
This is not a dream...I have been awake the whole time.  Twenty-five years as a wife--divorced now..not the worst times but not always a Kodak moment.  Who knew that not all husbands want to be your best friend?
  As a mom I have had almost 32 years with two grown sons who sometimes made me question my desire for motherhood but more lately have made me happy and proud that I was able to stick around for these latter years. Still trying to get it right!
 I have one grandson who woke up my enthusiasm and spoke to my inner tomboy. Also, I am blessed with two granddaughters who bring back my days of bows and babydolls.
 On any given day I am a daughter, sister, friend, and available confidante.
 As I write people of my past and present will be revealed as they join me in this dance.
 I can't promise that my meandering will be easy to follow, but I hope they will be entertaining  and maybe will prompt some sharing from anyone who stops by my blog.  I welcome you and wish you well on your personal journey, also.
 This seems like a good spot to pause.......there will always be more